Breathe Deep

It has been hard for me to blog again. Silly I know. I need to develop a tougher shell (my heart if stone reputation is being dispelled day by day). God knows my heart (which at times can be frightening but at times brings much peace) so I don’t have to worry about defending myself. Writing is good for me; I find it to be very therapeutic. I have still been writing, but more so in my personal journal and while I was in school I poured myself into my many assignments.

This is such a beautiful time of year. I take great delight in so many of the little blessings of spring. I love that the skies are once again dramatic and captivating. I love all the new growth. I love hearing the children playing outside once again (I especially love when they smile at me or say hello when I walk past… there are many children in my neighborhood, woot woot!). I love how the days just seem to be laced with hope and promise. I love how the days are longer and I feel like I can tackle about 83.9 more things per day. I love how God thaws my frozen winter body with the sun, and with His mercy. (I love the oilers they are rocking my world and even if they don’t win the playoffs I am still proud of them boys). But one of the things I love most (besides the warmth of the sun) is the fresh air and the scents. I do adore the smell of fresh cut grass… sometimes I think I should get a job for the city mowing lawns…maybe next year. There is one scent of spring that every year makes me a bit sentimental, and that is the scent of the lilacs. I love that smell. It brings me back to my walks to and from school, through out my high school days… when I would pass lilac bushes my walk would always slow down. The love of this scent is another thing I share with my precious Popple. I remember how we came up with this whole sneaky plan to go out at night (dressed in all black of course) and steal peoples lilac bushes. Just for the record we never actually carried out our plan. The past two springs I think that I missed lilac season, when I was living at my old place there were no lilacs around. Two years without this glorious scent. I think that is why this year its seems all the more fantastically aromatic. Through out my town house complex there are many lilac bushes gracing the area. I have found myself walking back and forth this one path breathing deeply trying to take in all of the lilac scent I could. I spend most of my mornings these days reading and studying in my little front yard, even from there I can get wafts of this beloved scent (I am such a dork). Sometimes I just had to get up though, and go to the path to more fully enjoy the scent. I guess I have been really trying to breathe it all in as deeply as I can while I can. I did not think that these lilacs would actually last as long as they did, and I just didn’t want miss out. With all the rain we have been having the smell has only intensified… so I am still breathing in deeply every time I step outside, locking in the memory of the lilacs.

I write all that and yeah I realize I sound completely out of control… but that’s ok with me, I don’t want to miss out… and I find this compares to same many things in my life. I want to live my life breathing deeply everyday. I want to enjoy life, enjoy people, searching for beauty, meaning, freedom, hope, love, and above all else God. For just as the lilacs might be gone tomorrow, so could I, or someone that is dear to me. I want to everyday breathe in deep, letting the beauty of each person, each day become engrained in my memory. There are so many seasons in our lives, so many things that God takes us through… each season that He brings me through, I want to attempt to breathe it all in, taking in all I can. I am not saying these seasons don’t have trails and heartaches… they do. This is life. But amidst all the agonies there are little treasures to be found… pieces of Gods heart. While I am in this season, I will breathe deep, taking the time to enjoy the fresh beauty of the lilacs, choosing that as my memory instead of getting caught in the darkness of each passing day. I don’t know if anyone out there will get this. I feel kind of silly now that I have wrote this… but oh well… Breathe deep (unless you have allergies).

A sad response

In Response to an anonymous comment, and to help clarify some things from my previous post…

I have a tendency to just spew out my thoughts on paper in a mad rush of urgency, sometimes not fully developing a thought pattern, or leaving things unexplained, or unclear, I should be more careful but I doubt I will.

Okay to start of with in my last point my intention was never to condemn my youth girls, I am very sad to hear that is how I came across. My frustration is by no means youth girls, or even girls in general. My frustration is with society and its lies about acceptance, riches, beauty and many other things. I am frustrated because amazing, talented, Godly, well-meaning people (not youth girls specifically that was just my example in the other blog) can easily fall into trap, can easily become a part of the cycle…It does exist within the youth leaders, I fully realize that, I see it regularly. I see it within the young adults, and I even at times see it amongst adults. But most of all, I see it within myself and that I hate. It is easy for any of us to get consumed with meaningless things. I am not immune and I by no means have arrived at cutting out all vanities from my life.

I do struggle with the cycle I mentioned in the other post… I have fallen prey, and maybe that is part of the reason why I hate it so much. I seethe damage it has done to me, I see that there are lies, and I see how when I begin to believe the lies and live in them it can affect others. I am thankful that God has freed me from a place I once was, a place where I was crippled by the lies of what I thought I had to become. That is not the girl I am now. I still at times have seasons where I have to battle it all over again, and I am sure most of us do and will have to continue battling it if not for ourselves then for somebody else. We live in a fallen world, so I am pretty sure I will have to fight to not be overcome with meaningless things all my life. I am thankful that I now have a greater perspective, that I am often able to catch myself but not always. Sometimes I will be in mid conversation with someone and realize OH CRAP… I have just perpetuated the cycle, when this happens I feel like crap I hate it, I really do.

I am not perfect I mess up. But here is the thing I have a desire to be a part of something more… something more than meaningless vanities… Everyday we are bombarded by so many meaningless things (and some we can’t avoid, yes laundry must be done, and yes we must buy groceries and wash our cars… those are not the meaningless things I mean). I have the choice each day of being a part of that something more that I know that God has for me, or the current of meaningless things can easily pull me under…

I will mess up often but my goals are to live in truth, my goals are to love people with all I am. My goals are to live for a purpose that is beyond my own… My desire is to inspire rather than impress… my desire is hear Gods heart and act on it, that I would become more like my savior everyday. My desire is to not consume myself with meaningless things and more than that that I wouldn’t make anyone else stumble. This is my prayer.

I am sad that my anonymous commenter sees me as being one who has lost myself and have now become one who must be done up all the time and spends countless hours on my hair. I will not deny the fact that over the years I have molded myself to some degree, I have fallen prey like I said before. But in reality I have become freer than ever before… I may spend a bit more time than I would like on myself in the morning, but I am in a process and I really am still the same girl… the same girl that likes to buy her clothes on sale or find steals at value village, the girl that doesn’t believe in washing her hair (unless she really really has too). Part of the change has been me growing up, part of the change has been me becoming a bit of what I hate. I do truly hope that I do not come across as that much of a “done up” girl. I am trying to watch how I act and portray myself, I do not want to pull others done. Like I have said before my desire is to actually help encourage others to be who they were really created to be, to help others see their own worth. To believe in others loving and accepting them as they are. I long to see people believing they are beautiful and valuable because they are Gods precious creations…I hope as I continue to look to God and continue to try and say no to the meaningless things that I will truly become the self-less woman of God I want long to be.

This was another blog that I just spewed out in a mad rush… I hope it provides some kind of balance to my other post… I really really never meant to condemn my youth… but was rather trying to express a frustration, a frustration with no one in particular, something that I don’t know how to end (but am trying to in if only my own actions) and something that I too at times fall into but long to fight against.

Many impress, few inspire

MEANINGLESS, MEANINGLESS... I just feel like screaming sometimes... We waste so much energy, emotions, and money on meaningless, meaningless things.


VANITIES VANITIES... so much is meaningless. We waste so much money on the lastest fashions, hoping to impress, hoping to convince ourselves that we are acceptable and worthwhile (not that I don't like having new clothes and looking nice...). We waste our energy trying to hard to gain acceptance from those around us, trying to gain favor, hoping that people will like us. We guard our true feelings, we stifle our emotions, we harden ourselves up so that we can fit in. And often we lose a piece of our true selves... and we forget the things that truly make us live. We are scared to show weakness, and so again time wasted trying to put on the facade of being "put together". We numb ourselves to the real world and real problems by drowning ourselves in the utterly meaningless and perverted hollywood culture, applauding those that fully succeed living imaginary lives. It hurts my heart as i watch it happens, and I am just so sure it hurts the heart of God too. We get lost in the pursuit of so many things that just don't matter, and not only that but in doing that we perpuate a vicious cycle... As we get caught up trying to perfect ourselves to this impossible standards the world imposing upon us, we are only making harder for someone else. I don't know if I will be able to explain my thoughts here but let me try... Ill write a little scenario the story of probably way too many people...

So Jane is a very talented and compassionate young person. Lets say she is in grade 11 sounds good. Ok so she is fun, pretty, wise, and has a heart full of mercy...but she doesn't see that...what she sees is a girl who just can't live up to the standards of those around her... They all seem so perfect, they all dress a certain way, they all like the same things... if only she could be like them. So she begins to mold herself into their image (forgetting that she is made in the image of God and forgetting that she should be investing time in developing her identity in Christ not sacrificing her identity to the culture around her). So she spends large amounts of money on clothes, she pretty much revamps her whole style... she goes tanning regularl, nothing like some nice mocha brown skin. She starts spending more and more time on herself in the morning (meanwhile sacrificing some of her personal devotions time)... and guess what YEAH FOR HER... she gets noticed by the "cool" people (what does she get noticed for???? surely not the heart of compassion or her wisdom??). WOOT WOOT, give her a medal, sucess its acheived... or is it...?

Lets take a step back and look at it from Mary's perspective. So Jane and Mary were best friends... life was good, there relationship was fun, inspiring and real. But than Jane started to want something more... more than just a fun, inspiring genuine friend... And Mary watches as Jane becomes a perfect little clone of the "perfect" people. Mary used to be ok with the fact that maybe she didn't have the most name brand clothes, or that she didn't have a skeletal figure, but as time passes and Jane moves more into the other world, mary is left feeling insecure, and feeling she too needs to live up to some impossible standard. And so she changes herself...and yeah for her so impressive shes become... as she loses some weight, and becomes perfect, she succeeds in also fooling the world into thinking she is really happy and put together and then other impressionable girls around her see the changes shes made and feel they too need to live up to that, for surely that is the key to happiness... and the cycle goes on and on and on... with every girl buying into the lie, the lie gets more convincing.... gathering strength...snowballing... entangling almost everykid on its way down. And poor Michelle, one of the only girls left who realizes her value is found in the Lord, a girl who longs to not get caught all the meaningless things this world throws at her...but how lonely it is for her, one of the only kids left with a clear sense of self and purpose. I hope she doesn't get so lonely there by herself that she falls into the trap of those around her.

Wow that got long.... ok sorry but i really do see this happening ... and i have to catch myself as well... asking God to help me see the lie, and not let me fall into it... it can be hard at times... but I watch this lie spread through my youth group and church... Its sad. I HATE IT.


I want to grab hold of things that are bigger than myself... I want to learn to turn my back on the meaningless temporal things of this world (Above I have really only concentrated on only one area to save time, but the meaningless things are everywhere and in so many forms). Many impress but few inspire... OH THAT I MAY BE ONE THAT INSPIRES AND HELPS PULL PEOPLE OUT OF THE LIES OF THIS WORLD... helps them find true worth, acceptance and identity. God help me not to fall prey to the many meaningless things... AHhhhh

meaningless meaningless....

I have a heart;often it aches

I returned to school this monday after a glorious two weeks off from classes (now don't get me wrong, two weeks off did not equate to Kristy-Anne watching TV doing nothing, I was very effective with my time and still managed to keep incredibly busy) to realize that "it" is back. Thats right folks its roll up time, and in honor of this monumentous occassion i have decided to link one of my old blogshere. I am linking you to my old blog entry because it is one of my favorites, and I have gained a lot more readers since then, so for those of you who missed this blog from last year... well ahhh... I just didn't want to deprive you off that joy.

I am learning so much these days... so much about myself, so much about others, so much about God, just so much... I think it is great, but well can be extremely challenging, and really my desire is to never just Learn someting and not practical apply what i've learned, or change what I've learned... Hard.

Over the past year (from feb last year to this year) I can seriously not believe how much I have grown as a person. It has been a real year of discovery. I can't get started on all this really cause well I get so passionate about it all and well then this would be 5gagillion words long...

I have learned that I do have a heart, its been there all along, but well since I don't feel in the same way others do, or at the "right" times (like when a service is supposed to get all emotional) I thought I was a cold person. But man I am not an unemotional person, nope, I have tons of emotions, and a heart, a heart that daily aches for the wounded, the broken. I have a heart that hopes and a heart that longs to encourage, to offer comfort. I really am glad to see I have a heart and emotions, I was quite concerned for a while. An emotion that is relatively new to me is Anger. I have never really been an angry person, but well lately I see that I have a lot of anger, which I actually think is healthy for me. I am not angry at a person, or anything like that, but well angry that the church that should be healing people is really wounding many, crippling them (not all churches but some). Angry that people get so caught up in religion that they forget to love. I have a lot of frustration towards "church" and "religion" and I have realized I am kind of a rebel, but not one who will rebel away from church/religion but rather will rebel from the aspects of church/religion that I hate, that frustrate me. I am not running away but rather I am learning to stand for something different. I will pray, I will dream,I will love and I will be learn what not to do.I am journalling my frustrations and asking God to show me how I can not repeat these things, how I can be different. I am being quite brief with this and I hope it makes some sense.

School and working and ministry is wearing, but I love it, I don't like being crazy busy, but I am excited about it. YEAH FOR LEARNING. I am not even going to start talking about it more tonight...

I am trying to keep this short today but will leave you with something a friend once said in passing, I really liked it and wrote it down on a post it. I have found the post it many months later and want to share it... just cause.

"Words he [God] gives us to speak could just be the air of heaven in our lungs. The breathe we use to form the words Christ has put in our mouths will bring Gods children home"

I like that.

legwarmers

I finished knitting my first pair of legwarmers this weekend, this shot doesn't do them justice but i am just so excited about them I had to post it, I am excited to wear them tomorrow, but even more excited that lynnel is coming to VISIT ME TOMORROW!!! WOOT WOOT, I will blog my life out soon... too much too much... just wait till you hear my yoga story... that ones really worth checking back for! Well and then theres my thoughts...BE AFRAID...Oh but I have to get this out, So yeah in the summer I was introduced to THE AMAZING DALLAS GREEN (from alexisonfire, and his own city, somtimes, city and colour came out november2005). Anyway it was love, love i tell you from the first sentance he sang. Well Last week I heard such great news, hes comign to EDmonton, March 26... I was estatic, I had it in my mind that I MUST GO, despite the fact that it would mean I would miss youth... but well ITS DALLAS GREEN... (if you've heard his stuff you'd understand!). Well Saturday, the first day to buy tickets I was ready to go, i didn't want to take anychances... BUT I WAS ALREADY TOO LATE... At 5pm they were already sold out. THIS IS BEYOND SAD... you don't even understand the sorrow within my soul. IT HURTS ME TO THINK ABOUT IT. What is going to be worse is March 24 when I am at youth, just imagining all the other stupid people who beat me to get tickets, I HATE THEM ALL. Ok myabe not hate, but well close to it. Ok, off to bed for me, maybe tomorrow this wound won't be quite so fresh.

my head hurts

Once again its late, and my head hurts, the smart thing would be to go to bed, but well maybe my head hurts so much cause I have so much stuff to get out?!


First off, the promised story of regarding me being frozen in the tundra perceived by many to be lost/missing. So last week on Wednesday a bunch of us were volunteering for the conservative party, this time our duty was to drop off some information to a whack load of houses (all houses that are known to be conservative voters). We broke into groups of about four or five and then each group was given a stack of paper that contained the addresses for all of the houses we had to drop of this info cards too. Each team was given an area its not like we were driving all around the city or anything but there was still a lot of work to be done. At first our team had great energy, we made a team name, a team cheer and everything. Oh before I go on I need to add in here that it was sooo convenient that we ended up having to do all this on the coldest night of the year…

Okay back to the story… So we were having some issues with our team not really understanding the neighborhoods and us getting kind of lost (I should have been more aggressive cause I knew the area pretty well and had I trusted my gut with the directions we could have saved ourselves some grief). We started out by driving to each individual house and someone running out of the car and dropping off the info card. This was taking way too long so eventually we had to come up with another plan. Aaron and I took a few sheets of paper with the house numbers and some cards and well we got out off the car and ran them, much faster than driving around to all the individual houses. We realized that was a good system, so after completing that first run we decided too park the car completely and split up into three groups (two groups of two and then me, by myself) and just go hard. I knew the area so I finally kind of took charge and gave them all their assignments I took the largest stack confident that because I was familiar with the area and by myself I’d be able to move quickly. So we split off. I’m enjoying myself despite the BLOODY COLD (and well I’ve been told I don’t really have a proper winter jacket so for the minus 15 it wasn’t really that warm…but I did wear one of my pairs of legwarmers which helped). I was moving swiftly… from house to house, from block to block, I actually ended up delivering cards to both of my best friends houses… Tara and Ladonna, the one to Ladonnas house actually still had my name on the sheet (Ladonna and I used to be roommates but then Ladonna had the audacity to get married so I had to move out).

Aside from the fact that my legs were like 3000 pounds from being so frozen and aside from my face becoming numb I was enjoying myself… it was snowing lightly and it was a good time to be praying for my nation. So I have no concept of time, I did not have my cell with me or a watch, I just figured Id continue on until I was done all my houses… I had been out there for a long time and was getting quite tired…(I had kind of got myself into a lot, cause the stack I took was the furthest away and had the most houses) but I just figured that I had to finish all my stuff. I am not one to leave a job incomplete…and not one to quit so I just kept at it despite my frozen limbs. I walked speedily with a very determined step thinking “I MUST COMPLETE THIS TASK”. I wondered how the other teams were doing, I wondered if they had already completed their houses and returned to the car. Anyway I just kept going…with the must complete task mentality, the thought of returning to the car with some houses not done never really entering my mind.
I had about three blocks left to cover when I ran out of the actually info cards to deliver, at the time I was like DRAT… I was thinking I was so close to being done what a shame I hadn’t grabbed enough of the info cards. So I began my long walk back to the car. As I am walking back I realize that I probably have been gone a long time, and I began to worry that perhaps they might be waiting for me, or worse yet left without me. SILLY ME. I am finally approaching our meeting point and our car drives up from behind me… I get into the car and they are all quite frantic/relieved to have found me. See apparently it was way past our quitting time and well they had been driving around for how long looking for me. They actually called the other teams and when the other teams heard they all started to head over to help look for me…thinking I was lost or who knows what. I found out later that they were seriously concerned… and here I was just walking around having a grand old time completely unaware that everything thought I was missing. So once I’m safely in the car they all get on their cells to let everyone know I was found/OK and to call of the search. When I saw the time I was shocked, I had no idea I had been gone for so long. I was seriously so frozen I think the passion and purpose I carried while delivering the flyers kind of numbed me so I didn’t realize how cold I was until I got into the car and couldn’t speak properly anymore cause my mouth was so frozen. It was all quite the experience. I don’t think I am really doing a good job of telling this story… Oh well… so yeah. I wasn’t lost; I knew where I was the whole time.

Oh yeah and the aftermath of all this… I GAVE MYSELF SHIN SPLINTS! I think its cause my shoes are not really walking shoes, they have a heel and well I walk with like I said a very determined step… plus Id speed walk run/walk really fast/run. I never felt the pain in the moment but WOW the next 4 days it was very painful to walk… and I had to kind of limp… OH the adventure.

I am excited about the election results… I am passionate about much right now… and am learning so much (not just cause I am in school). But all of my real thoughts will have to wait for another day…

Oh but one more thing…. I wore my black legwarmers to church on Sunday with my black high heels and a skirt and it was awesome… I was nervous at first… I mean I love them but well was kind of concerned… see for a few weeks I had been wearing them in the car to church but before going in I’d remove them… but this time I decided to go for it. I should take a pic next time. I got many compliments on my legwarmers! Legwarmers are so hot right now…and I know everyone wants them now!

I promise soon I’ll write about what really matters too me and not just random nonsence.

Frozen

It’s late and I really should be in bed, especially since I have a class tomorrow morning at eight such a blessed early hour. I fully love school so much, and will blog about that another time. So much in my head… I need desperately to get some of it out. I am currently listening to Sigur Ros, such amazing inspirational music… I love it when I am studying, or creating… or really at any time, it moves me. I love music so much; it’s kind of out of control. My friend Ellen (Sarah) and I decided we might need a support group… kind of like an AA group, but for us musicoholics?! Itunes hasn’t helped things, it only makes music that much more accessible, thus more of a snare. Ugh this is not what I want to blog about…moving on…

First off I want to thank all you people for reading my blogs, and for the comments and really for just taking the time to read and think about my SUPER LENGTHY blogs. I am sorry I have not been commenting or even checking up on all of your blogs in return, it is my goal to someday get there, but for now I am hardly even able to update my own blog.

Okay so I don’t know if I really should blog about this but I am going to anyway… here I go. Today this guy from my church asked me to go on a date with him, he has kind of liked me for about 2.5 years, he has tried out a few different girls in that time but always comes back to me, and I always shut him down. It is not that I think he is a bad guy, or that I am too good for him, its just I really don’t see it happening. We are too different. Often he seems to think it is just cause I have a poor self-esteem, and that I think that I am not good enough for him, well that is not really it, yes in many ways I don’t think I am good enough for what he wants, but mostly I feel we just care about different things. If I try to tell him its about our call and priorities and what have you he seems to think that since we both minister in the church, that should be great. Anyway… I have yeah tried to be frank with him, I once told him he was on my “ No there is never a chance list” and still he tries. I guess he gets marks for persistence… but I just can’t change my mind. He really doesn’t seem to get how different we are… SO VERY DIFFERENT. For example if he were to ever take the time to read my blog, he would probably get weirded out by all I have to say, and how I care about certain things so much. He would probably think it is weird that I love to pray on swings… or that I get so deeply moved by the beauty around me… I am an artist through and through, and I think if he knew how deep it was in me, he would conclude that I am insane, he is just not that type of person. Maybe I should give him more credit… he really isn’t a bad guy… Well today when he asked me out I almost wondered if maybe I should just give him a chance… but well by the end of the chat I had decided against it. I tried a different tactic some randomness. To show him how we really are different. I started by telling him I hated how he bought such an expensive (+$1000!!) jacket, how that totally didn’t impress me, how if anything that lowered my opinion of him. Then later I asked him if he was going to be voting. And he said “ haha, no. I guess you won’t go out with me then hey? “ I don’t think he really anticipated how right he was in saying that (and what a can of worms he had opened). I was like “actually your right, that is precisely why I won’t go out with you right there”. Well then he tried to make arguments about how what difference does it make if he votes… and really the east just gets a monopoly anyway so what does it matter if he voted or not. Well that’s pretty much all bunk, all crap, I told him that he was buying into lies, and that we really can make a difference and that change starts with individuals…and if all of us were just saying … well my vote really doesn’t matter… what would happen?? It’s a lie that we can’t make a difference… a lie that too many youth/young adults buy into… Don’t buy into it… DON’T. I have so many dreams, and I am sure you do too… many of them seem impossible, does that mean I am not even going to try and attain them? It makes me sad that too many Christians are willing to just sit by and do nothing, concluded that it is all too hopeless anyway. Well I am just so sure that is the attitude Christ would have us take… a defeatist attitude… that’s just swell. To him it’s just a simple vote that means nothing. TO me the fact that he doesn’t vote speaks volumes… shows how very different we are. I don’t know if I am fully getting my point across… I have more to say on all this…and have it all burning in me…but I really must go to bed soon… like 4 hours ago… Anyway, he still doesn’t realize how different we were… he told me to think it all over more, I told him I had to go, cause I was just off to go volunteer with the conservative party. He laughed, he thought I was just joking, but I wasn’t. He was like “really???” I said yes, I told him that I have big dreams, and that I am passionate about Canada, about souls, and well about changing the world… and I don’t think its right for Christians to just be like “ ohhh well I am praying for Canada” GOSH well what are they doing about it… (Faith without works is dead… thanks Kayle for really giving that scripture so much new meaning for me). If I am say ohhh yeah I am praying for such and such or for __________ to happen but we aren’t willing to actually take any time, or do anything practical to back that up… then as much as I believe in the power of prayer, its kind of a cop out. I realize that we can’t all do everything and that we can’t all reach everyone…and so yes sometimes all we can do is pray…I ended my conversation with him by saying that I am probably too passionate for him, and that would probably freak him out, and I told him I was willing to do whatever it takes no matter how little or seemingly meaningless to ensure that I do see this world changed for the better because normally change doesn’t happen by one BIG act… it’s a ton of little choices, or acts…

I was hoping to get to the more fun and exciting part of my story… the part where I am completely frozen outside delivering stuff for the conservatives… not realizing that there is a search party sent out for me… well that story will come later I suppose…. It really is a good one. I sure do hope you all are planning to vote on January 23, if you weren’t planning on it, can I URGE YOU TO??? It’s about more than just politics!

(My body is still frozen from tonight’s escapade…. and that was about 4 hours ago)